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The Indignity Disco

by Elsa Hewitt

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1.
he will be the death of me the death of things i no longer want to be the night is not young no more im trying to save myself december hung by a thread but i woke up and i am still alive a troubling time, a golden age it ain't too fun straight-forward thinking has long since been mangled i'm lovesick and boring, unarmed and entangled the forces of evil are unkind but at least they're interesting so much for love these are violent memories angry at the tickle at the back of my throat just a few reasons i'm no coming out tonight looking at dinner will this make me thinner and happy and dapper and chatty? heartbreak heartache no sleep no wake heartbreak and drug-take i am now afraid of the dark i can't let go i can't let go i need to control what i say tying the rope around the tiger clamping the jaws closed or else he will be the death of me i am not walking im lurking and stalking im not responding breaking and bonding there's something im learning you wont hear the story i dont want the glory i just want the self-respect you have half of me i can't let go
2.
After Party 03:41
he breathed in the colour of the walls when he walked in casting a lonely shadow of the girl in the corner with the nice face sadly her gruesome personality defeated the nice face he found out the hard way, the only way suddenly all he could hear was the clock and the breathing i hate this evening the lights were on but he was in darkness done and dusted and dead in the ground i feel im lifting up from something very low down oh no no this cant be real cheery exterior, delirious interior materialism isn't wrong, shut up and get outta my face the believe that a thing is real real, real but untrue swelling in his acidity, lucidity at his fingertips breaking on the shores of his ungraspable desires it's true true true but unreal blank blank immovable despair but i wouldn't die on purpose would i? the after party is nigh oh no no this can't be real let the distance deepen let the freedom ripen i don't feel like it i don't feel like it
3.
don't say sorry like that again girl don't apologize to the audience they owe you, you're showing them your life on a plate and you tell it so much it becomes something you hate and every time will arise the burden of the damages you can't the decibels the thought of a singing lesson brings me down in tears remember when we used to drink cherry schnapps in maths something's coming over me i never got hungry till my engine died you know i said i bought it? i didn't, i lied it's so morbid, looking for it down here somewhere on the floor in my dream an angel told me what is going on she said it doesn't make you happy anymore it doesn't make you happy anymore he used to play bass in a band and he don't like the letter e so he don't think that much of me, says he: don't tell me what i can and i can't i may be feeble but i'm free didn't he ask if he could have a sip of your vanilla milkshake you may be free but you're filth i call anger a skill tell her to get back to the house that she sleeps in and if in the morning it's sunny then i owe you a quid and if you don't come out sweating it wasn't worth the money i can't breathe you should get some singing lessons turn this place upside down don't trust anyone until they've shown you their dark side it doesn't make me happy anymore a sunset on a city scape an oil painting in a living room the very image that a little girl would look upon want in her eyes the very same place that would tear her from them and strangle her innocence you would no longer know her if you saw her you would no longer know her if you saw her it doesn't make me happy anymore you should get some singing lessons turn this place upside down don't trust anyone until they've shown you their dark side
4.
i'm here watching this become part of my history i will not pretend but i will distance myself and wait and later pick out the nasty parts and give them back with rhythm my entire recollection become bleak and underwhelming closer to the truth but i got a bassline in my stomach and i wonder where you are now twist the truth and make it hate you i am a walking punch line twist the truth and make it hurt you i am a walking punch line the room gets darker and everything seems louder the room gets darker and everything seems closer in a black room i made friends with you in a perfect world you would know me by now but you've got no idea who i am i could be anyone you chose this i'm in the living room turning to dust let go of my hand turning to the comfort of the animal inside always watching and holding my other hand the room gets darker and everything seems louder the room gets darker and everything seems closer in a black room i made friends with you in a black room i made friends with you
5.
Wet Denim 03:57
soaking wet denim sticking to the skin on her thigh after some time to think she stuck the photos on her wall so if you never met her why do you wear her sweater he couldn't see in darkness so he chased the devil out of her to break up with a suicide risk is a dangerous game to split up with a time bomb girl is a risk that a boy must take she thought she was awake but she didn't really know her mighty resistance ended when she said something her heart started beating at a different rhythm when he made that face but he put his face back in its place while she hid in the bathtub music is more important than love and we're playing at the albert so she put her red dress on and let's face the music my nails are bitten got the strength of a kitten slumped on a chair poisoned and polluted poisoned and polluted poisoned and polluted i want to leave but i can't move because my jeans are soaking wet to wake up with a suicide risk is a dangerous game to split up with a time bomb girl is a risk that a boy must take to break up with a suicide risk is a dangerous game to wake up with a time-bomb girl is a risk that a boy must take to escape he couldn't see in darkness so he chased the devil out of her
6.
i'm still awake and it looks like morning well that sure is a waste of darkness i'm still alive but i'll ignore that for now my plan is foiled and my thoughts are plagued as i thought about everything you said when i was in bed wishing i was dead but if the words were to vanish i would be free and you'd be free from me but they never will cos i'm not your friend i wasn't ready for that and i'm not ready for this yes you are don't deny it there is nothing to pretend to be you know you are you're the cold wet scraps of a christmas dinner although you scrub up well and sometimes write a banging tune you you just don't get it do ya i can't even look at you anymore when my voice was my only free hand i still pretend to be happy but he was so extremely docile it was hostile and every day i invent a new demeanour just for you but i know you know i'm just a dispirited little girl and i'm tempted to give up on you now cos this just won't last me through the winter so you might as well quit if you haven't got it yeah you might as well quit if you haven't got it yeah you might as well quit if you haven't got it yeah you might as well quit if you haven't got it when my voice was my only free hand
7.
Untitled 03:02
rife with shame rife with confusion it curls up and cries on the bathroom floor but none of this really means anything anymore i can tell already if i don't stop this now i'll ruin your life as you know it again i'm gonna fuck it all up again so savour this tranquility as i quietly untie the tenderness until everything is undone left to rot under wind and sky they will take it they will take us they will plant these oceans between you and i i lost myself everything undone undone
8.
when you wear your headphones are you listening to what is going on inside your head and waiting for the next order? in a place made of years and years of madness, sadness, ecstasy and stardom i am sitting in here in boredom where did i go wrong? an angry man is learning how to string his words together to attack a man with every right and reason to destroy him there's a word i wanna find so every time i have to tell you why i'm losing it and turning something absolutely normal into oceans of eternal retribution and a heart shaped bucket full of puke i can tell you heart-shaped bucket heart-shape heart-shaped tied her own shoelaces together and cried when she fell in the mud so she threw all her money down the well and asked bluntly to be happy and it spat back out a t-shirt and a gram of k with no receipt i'm working up to something that would usually offend you cause i want to know if you are still alive inside the point you're making breathe down my own neck slapping pride in the face you're not worth your reputation i'm not worth my own flesh bring me my fairytale written down burn it bucket heart-shape heart-shape time is not a healer only a painkiller i was once a fighter where is my soldier where is my soldier where is my soldier where is my soldier
9.
better than summer hear you mouth the words to me but i cannot hear you clinging to a setting sun you said something to me and i didn't know what to say better than flying better than a lie-in but it's not mine it's good it's good but it's just not mine my work is nearly done get on the rising sun but i will never forget you i will never forget you and this is this is where it ends but i'm still here this is this is where it ends but i'm still here there are some days when i know i won't say much but you detached yourself quietly and cruelly you could've told me oh you could've told me oh i tried to work my way i tried to work my way back in but i waste my time i wasted so much time cos you don't love me and i thought you did and this is this is where it ends but i'm still here and this is this is where it ends but i'm still here trouble is where the boy is
10.
Stage Fright 05:30
brought here by something that knew me like i was its only child the analyst forever undead, rooted in the head says i can trust you but i dont think i can stretching you, twisting you, flying you like an elastic band or dry ice or something that has no shape he's mellow but more like a pale yellow than a stale hello then you ask me 'why are you crying and what is wrong with your face' i said 'i think i swallowed a massive chunk of it' i think i'm lucky to be human this experience, emotion, ability is all mine why would i waste it constrain it restrict it can i not just explore it and see it? after all it doesn't mean a thing in truth after all it doesn't mean i thing in truth you made a man out of me suffering is easy anyone can do it it's learning from it that is the skill i trailed a boy along a roadside for miles and when we reached the lake he drowned me there's no point but i'm still gasping for air screaming this is unfair this is unfair but this really is just a wild goose chase anyone can see that there is love in the midst of this why else would i be crying and laughing there was a moment sometime last week when the temperature dropped and my mind was spotless the moon was the centre of attention that night suffering is easy anyone can do it it's learning from it that is the skill let's face it the is unpleasant let's face it the is unpleasant you made a man out of me i never wanna see you with a woman in a dressing gown but i don't wanna see you shout to a bedroom window in tears letting you slip away into the mist of another world into a life apart from mine but i'll still be beside you in time letting an eyelid droop till it's closed watching the sea wash over a painting we painted together but i'll take comfort in your freedom from me boy you made a man out of you made a man out of

about

The break-up album, if there ever was one.

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released August 6, 2010

All songs written, performed and arranged by Elsa Hewitt
Additional guitar and synth on In A Black Room- George McVicar
Engineered by David McDonagh
Produced by Elsa Hewitt and David McDonagh

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Elsa Hewitt UK

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